People who have had experience of using roads in countries other than India might find Indian roads intimidating. They might find themselves completely at sea, trying to negotiate through the narrow lanes and tracts, which pass off as roads, braking and swerving to avoid people, cows, bullock-carts, cyclists, rickshaws and other contraptions which trudge along their path.

Since I have been driving for quite sometime (please don't ask how long) along the roads of Chennai, which is the fourth largest city in India, I feel that I should use my insights into the practices which are observed here. Notice that I do not use the phrase "traffic rules", because of the simple reason that there aren't any!

Some of you may find it strange. Of course there are rules; but we Indians know that rules are meant to be bent and in some cases even to be broken. This is just what Morpheus teaches Neo in the movie The Matrix, but we knew it much before Morpheus did, which is another reason why we are also supposed to be good (at half the cost) at Computer Programming!

There is also another reason why I don't use the phrase "traffic rules". Traffic rules are created by responsible government authorities, like the Traffic Police, for one. But in India, people make up their own rules as they go along, which have come to replace the official traffic rules. And they have very strong arguments to support these self-made rules.

For example, suppose you come to a junction where you can turn either left or right, or drive straight on. How do you indicate your intention to drive straight ahead?

If you say that you don't need to show any indication to show your intent to drive straight ahead, you are wrong buddy. Because in India, we have come up with an ingenious way of showing this - simply turn on both the indicator lamps.

Wait a moment, before you jump up and shout that it is signal to indicate a hazard on the road, and listen to this argument given in support for the ingenuity. When you switch on both indicator lamps, it means you can only move straight ahead, because there is no way that you can move left and right at the same time, is there?

Stumped? You ought to be and hence it is necessary that you read the following observations before you think of undertaking the ultimate Indian adventure - a drive.

Observation No. 1
In India, people drive in the middle of the road

If you thought that we drove on the left of the road, you were mistaken. Most of the time, we don't have a good sense of direction and do not know where we are headed; so we find it safer to tread the middle path. You can hear echoes of Buddhist philosophy in this logic. Actually, it was derived from the teachings of Buddha; after all, we are deeply religious, if not spiritual.

Observation No. 2 (Addendum to Observation No. 2)
The markings on the road are for decorative purposes.

If you ask an average Indian driver what a lane-marking is, you will certainly get a blank stare. We don't know what that means. If you ask him, what the marks on the roads are used for, he would say that they are simply to make the roads appear more attractive. Who wants to see dull, black roads all the way from their homes to their offices?
This is actually an addendum to the first observation, which makes it easier to drive along roads where there are lane markers, which are of course ignored. Simply keep in mind the First Observation and try to stick to the middle of two lanes, which makes it easier if you are planning to turn off at the next junction.

Observation No. 3
It is bad manners to show your intention to turn beforehand

This observation is a corollary to rules one and two. I find that it gives an element of suspense to the whole driving experience. You always give the driver behind you a chance to guess what your next move is. Where else in the world can you get this type of entertainment on the drive, in addition to your car stereo?

Observation No. 4
Always drive faster than the traffic around you

This observation I feel is a practice which, with any luck, should get you faster to your destination. If you are not very lucky, it would give you a much needed rest -- in a hospital bed. If you consider yourself to be lucky, but feel that you do not have the necessary skills to become the next Ayrton Senna on Indian roads, make the next Observation your holy commandment.

Observation No. 5 (Corollary to Observation No. 6)
Honking your horn takes you places faster.

Honk your way through traffic. Try to be as loud as possible. Try to get enhancements to blast the stragglers out of your way. Used with rule five, you should save on time by about one percent!

I made this calculation by noting that drivers who always honk behind me never manage to get ahead by more than 10 or 20 metres. It is mainly because they end up behind buses, trucks and other cars who want to reach faster than others but get stuck midway, trying to give way to a cow which finds the middle of a busy road the best place to languish and chew cud.

So there you have it, observations which could be helpful for driving on the roads of India. Learn them by heart and I guarantee that you will hang up your driving boots faster than you can say "accelerate."

Don't you want to know what I have learned from all these years on the road?

It is better to take the bus. Or if you are rich, have someone drive you. It's much less taxing, good for the environment and great for your heart. Well, my doctor says walking is better. But beyond eighty, it is hard on your old joints.

Now, where did I put my walking stick...?